In the embroidery of every person’s Christian life, the church often represents a sanctuary of hope, guidance, and community where one feels the love of their community and the presence of God.
For many us, this is where our faith has been nurtured, where some true friendships have been formed, and our lives have been transformed.
Yet, still for some and I would say for myself as well, church; a place that one would think is meant to heal and uplift your spirit man, becomes a source of deep hurt and disillusionment.
When those wounds are inflicted by a community that should offer support, the pain can be both profound and perplexing and more than anything shocking.
I deeply relate to this topic and I offer empathy to anyone who is currently going through right now as, in 2019, I was expelled from a church for not meeting their standards.
What standards, you may ask? There was a specific dress code that I was required to submit to, which included long dresses and skirts that covered me up to my ankles, absolutely no jeans, and nothing that revealed my arms, as everything was required to be full length.
Additionally, piercings, makeup, and tattoos were seen as signs of a direct path to hell. Unfortunately, I had all of these things.
Imagine the discomfort I felt every time the pastor preached against them.
Navigating the journey of overcoming church hurt requires both courage and grace, and it begins with acknowledging the pain and seeking a path toward healing and not masking it, and also
Seeking counsel from people who will help you heal faster, and expose the lie of the enemy that you don’t need to be with a community of believers even though you are Christian.
Understanding the Depth of Hurt
Church hurt can manifest in more ways than one, these may include: spiritual abuse, betrayal by leaders, exclusion from the community because of maybe having a weak moment and slipping into sin, or conflicts within the congregation over certain belief systems that one might not agree with.
The sting of these experiences is compounded by the expectations that church should be a haven from the world’s cruelty.
When that expectation is shattered, it can leave individuals grappling with feelings of betrayal, isolation, and confusion and even questioning the true nature of God and leading them to want to abandon their faith entirely.
As one can confirm, when they go through such an experience, it can deeply wound them, making them feel unworthy to be called a child of God. Because, before my departure from the church, the pastor’s words, “You’ve really disappointed God with your lifestyle,” left me feeling inadequate, as if I needed to attain a level of perfection to be seen as worthy by God.
One of the most challenging aspects of church hurt is the disillusionment it brings to the soul.
It can feel as if the very ideals of faith and love are being undermined and that no one really holds the word of God in high regards.
The disparity between the teachings of compassion and the actions observed can lead to a profound crisis of faith ending up in bitterness.
It’s not just about the hurt itself, but, the challenge of reconciling this experience with the beliefs that once brought comfort and clarity and actually beginning to trust again.
Facing the Pain with Honesty
To begin healing, it’s essential to confront your feelings and actually admit the pain that came with it.
Denying or suppressing the pain only prolongs the suffering and brings forth the unchristian like characteristics within us.
It’s important to understand that it’s okay to grieve the loss of trust and the disruption of your spiritual journey that you thought would bring fulfilment at that time.
This is not a sign of weak faith, but rather an honest response to a painful experience and understanding that God is still good regardless.
Finding a safe space to express these emotions is crucial to the healing journey.
Whether through counselling, talking with trusted friends, or journaling; pronouncing the pain helps in processing it and makes you heal faster.
It’s also beneficial to explore these feelings with God through prayer, seeking solace and understanding and not blaming God for what happened, but rather, take it as learning experience.
God’s compassion is a balm for the wounded soul, offering comfort and a path through the darkness and He understands every pain one is going through.
Rebuilding Trust and Finding New Foundations
Recovering from church hurt involves rebuilding trust, both in others and in God. This can be a slow and gradual process and shouldn’t be forceful healing process.
One approach is to reconnect with the core principles of faith that are written about God in scripture and digesting them till they become fruitful in your life. Reflecting on the essence of Christian teachings, love, grace, and forgiveness, can offer guidance and reassurance that man is flawed and we are only made perfect through the grace of God.
In some cases, this might involve finding a new church community that might help through this journey of healing.
This step requires discernment and patience and most importantly, guidance from the Holy Spirit.
It’s important to find a place where healing can occur, where the values align with personal beliefs, and where there is a genuine sense of community that knows the core foundations of Christianity.
The new church should be a place that embraces one’s pain and then fosters spiritual growth and personal healing rather than focusing and wanting more insight on what happened with one’s old experiences, and dwell on the past, but rather instead, focus on what God has to say in this season.
It’s also crucial to remember that healing is not a just an insistent process but one that requires submission and surrender.
There will be moments where you will experience some form of doubt and setbacks along the way and that’s fine.
Each step taken towards recovery is a testament to resilience and faith and not giving up on God, cause after all, it’s all about Him.
Embracing the journey with an open heart allows for the possibility of renewed faith and deeper understanding of what it really means to be a Child of God.
Embracing Forgiveness and Moving Forward
Forgiveness is a significant component of healing from church hurt as we all know, non of us is perfect.
It’s important to distinguish between forgiving those who have caused pain and condoning their actions, and this can only be done though the act of the Holy spirit.
Forgiveness is about releasing the grip of bitterness and allowing oneself to move forward and acknowledging what happened with grace.
It’s a process that benefits the individual more than the one who inflicted the hurt and teaches you to have the heart of Christ.
The process of forgiving shouldn’t mean that one should forget the wrongdoing that was done to them but rather use it as a tool to discern when they find themselves in similar situations.
It’s about having courage and finding peace within yourself and not allowing past hurts to dictate current emotions towards churches and future actions, because now you know better.
By choosing forgiveness, you have the ability to break free from the cycle of pain and open the door to new possibilities for spiritual growth and connection and begin to trust God’s people again.
A Journey of Hope and Renewal
This situation has led me to question why, within the Christian community, we sometimes ostracize and cast out individuals whom God calls to bring their burdens to Him.
At times, we may feel more worthy than others, creating an impression that Christianity is a class system rather than a grace-based lifestyle.
One of the most valuable gifts one can receive from another person is the ability to see oneself as Christ sees them.
Our first introduction to the kingdom of God is often through other people’s experiences with following Jesus.
One of God’s main purposes for placing us on this earth is to spread His gospel and to be in community with one another as brothers and sisters, praying for each other and reflecting the love of Christ through our actions.
However, what happens when this reflection becomes distorted? When we begin to view Christianity solely through our own hurt experiences?
I suspect that you are reading this because you also feel that the Christian community could improve in how we treat each other.
Based on my experiences as a believer, here are some reasons why I think the church needs to change.
From my past experiences and the stories, I’ve heard from others, I believe it is safe to say that more than 50 percent of sermons are delivered from a place of personal insecurities and convictions.
As the saying goes, a Christian Walk is personal but should not be private. Personal means that each of us has our own struggles and convictions in our Christian journey.
For example, if I were given a conviction by God not to wear makeup, it would be unfair to judge or belittle a fellow Christian who has been given the freedom by God to wear makeup.
Our individual walks are personal and not for me to judge if they do not negatively impact Christian morals.
Moreover, it should not be private in the sense that we need to embrace each other’s differences.
There is no single acceptable genre of worship music, prayer time, or preaching style if the goal is to lead others to God in truth and in spirit.
Imagine if Christianity were like a rainbow, with various colours that complement each other without overshadowing one another.
How beautiful would it be if the Christian community mirrored this harmony?
In Romans 12:4-5, we are reminded that each individual has a unique function in the body of Christ. No role is too small in God’s eyes.
We see in the Gospels that Jesus chose apostles from diverse backgrounds, each blessed with different gifts to fulfill His mission.
As believers, it is crucial not to look down on others but to recognize each person as a valuable addition to His family, advancing His kingdom.
We must remember that no task given by God is too small, despite how it may appear to us or others. We need to do better in this regard.
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